I’m not going to judge, so I just want to throw out this question and see how many answers I get: When’s the last time you had a Cheeto? I mean, really, a bag of Cheetos? And when you ate it, did you feel: a.) hungover, b.) like that vending machine ripped you off, c.) like a cheap date or d.) all of the above? Did you ALSO feel like you could have done BETTER to satisfy that salty/savory craving? Yeah. I know. I’ve been there. And just because this munch-fest occurred after a horrific date with a semi-alcoholic, (is there even such a thing as semi-alcoholism?!) I STILL could not justify feeling like total, unadulterated shit. Perhaps for more reasons than one. 

So, you can only imagine my heaven when today when I upgraded from the ULTIMATE in juvenile, pedestrian, food product to cheese heaven- aka, the Parmigiano reggiano factory in Parma, Italy. 

I’ll spare you the details of salivating over wheels upon wheels of aged parmigiano so that you can avoid stoning me to death upon my Newark landing, but I will say this: As far as an Rx goes for “salty” and “savory” food cravings, parmigiano reggiano is WINS on so many levels. 

First of all, allow me to share some mysterious news I learned today that changes my entire life outlook: Roughly one OUNCE of this piece of fermented joy contains an entire LITER of milk. Yes, that’s right. That means that in one standard slice of this perfect cheese you are ingesting ALL of the calcium you need in one DAY. (The average person our age needs about 1000mg/day).  Second, I have better news: This liter of milk only costs you- brace yourself- 115 calories.  

That said, when I write this to you I am NOT telling you to go out to your supermarket and buy Kraft’s grated parm. Nor am I recommending spending the summer jonesing for a Lipitor prescription by stuffing your face with chicken/eggplant/steak/pork/processed meat substitute/parmesan. I am telling you to buy the real deal- buy it at Whole Foods, or effectively any other cheese shop city-wide. Yes, it’s more expensive than grated Kraft. But trust me when I tell you…it’s fucking worth every last dime. Especially since if you’ve learned ANYTHING from us thus far, you should stick to the ONE ounce at a time that I just recommended to you….(a penny-pincher in and of itself). 

What’s the most nutritionally sound way to eat it? Do like the Italians do: Slice a small pear or golden apple, and dig in for about 250 calories. The combo gives you about 2-3 grams of fiber from the fruit and almost 12 grams of protein (holler). 

I’ll ask you to kindly NOT repeat my a.) date disaster and b.) subsequent Cheeto binge, but frankly, experiencing being single in New York leaves me sure that the former will come to you in one way or another. That said, at least I can rest assured that you now know enough to hangover-munch like a class act Northern Italian. You’re welcome.